Bring me back to life.

I am stuck in a turbulent sea of thoughts that I cannot escape nor find how to process into full thoughts. It has been a six month lull. So far there is no clear way to go. I keep treading water …trying to keep my head above the rising waves before I drown but every day I am becoming more and more unsuccessful.

There are so many things that I want to do but am not dedicating the time to do them. I have diligently become more aware of the state of my health and have been participating in 5K’s, walk-jogs and even a physical fitness boot camp three days a week. Physically I am looking and feeling better and was hoping that this would help with the balance that I feel that I am missing.

I have included yoga to find my inner focus but it is slowly coming to me to want to participate in my writing. I know that I could have potential if I could just focus and put my mind to it, but the ADD side of me keeps getting distracted around every corner and look for a way out by losing myself in reading a book with a great cup of coffee.

There was a time that I would get up every day and look forward to grabbing a pen and paper and writing until I ran out of ink, because I never seem to run out of things to say – only how to put into words eludes me. I want to congratulate all of you that keep following your dreams. I see some of you finding publication and success and others finding the word counts keep coming. I am silently stalking you and dwell on the beauty of your passion for writing. You are writers, colleagues, friends… I know that someday my coast guards will come and fish me out of the ocean and help me row my boat with great intensity until my words have formed meaning.

I have challenged myself to NANOWRIMO. If I don’t try, then I have already failed.

There is a quote on my wall that I keep looking at and willing myself to follow it. It goes likes this:

Watch your thoughts, they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

What do you want your destiny to be???

Creating Some Sanity

I wish that I could give anyone advice on how to do this task, but I actually have none. I am kind of out of things. Have you ever been on overload so much that everything is covered under a heavy layer of muck and you are looking at it, like holy cow, how am I going to clean up this mess? That seems to be me.

I have been attending to family matters for some time and have not made time for me or my writing. I have had a couple therapeutic hours of writing here and there, but nothing like my muse and brain were used to. I thought for sure when we took a vacation this March that I could relax and unwind and let my muse free. I tried, I really did but ended up shutting down even more.

The coolest part of my vacation was that they were shooting a movie in the hotel next to us and we got to see a few actual movie stars. They were shooting the movie "SPRING BREAKERS" staring Selena Gomez (who is super cute in person too) and Vanessa Hudgens (who is a blonde in the movie - I know right!). It was an experience watching them shoot scenes which lasted all day on the beach and at the pools.

My husband would say that the topless scenes were his favorite, but he's entitled to his opinion. Before some of you go ballistic, it was not the Disney girls topless, just some walk-ons or extras. It just made me realize that if it takes that long just to shoot a scene for a movie, then no wonder I can't get my books done. *whew* For a little while I was thinking that there was something wrong with me.

Well, there is but that is of personal opinion. ;) My parentals have been giving me a run for my money since August. My dad had a stroke and during the week that he was hospitalized for testing, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. So we got dad taken care of and scheduled mom a mastectomy. After dad was home and mom recovered from the surgery came the drains that were in after the mastectomy. After they took those out, then she started radiation. Finally that is finished and now she is going three times a week to dialysis because she has chronic kidney failure. My dad has now fallen twice in the last week and a half and I am just overloaded.

I haven't set my mind free to write and I feel that it is like Johnny Mnemonic, Keanu Reeve's character who can't get some images out of his mind and his brain is frying from the inside out. That is how my brain feels. Right now everything is poison and doesn't want to flow out very well. I am still working it out. As you can see, I haven't been around since January and I apologize for that. Life happens and you really don't get to control it. I have been working on a few things and would really like to revamp my blog. If anyone has any suggestions or sites for me to check out, please let me know.

You guys are truly wonderful and my inspiration to keep pushing through the muck!